


circling around

by smartbuckley



Series: Buddie Codas [8]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Cuddling, Discussions of Feelings, First Kiss, Insecurities, M/M, Mentions of childhood abuse, episode coda, mentions of rape/non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 02:27:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21580111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: Post 3x09 episode coda. What happens when Buck and Eddie put Christopher to bed? Just what does Eddie want to talk to Buck about? And will anything be done about the feelings both obviously have towards one another.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Buddie Codas [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1527032
Comments: 42
Kudos: 524





	circling around

“Alright, Superman, it’s time for bed,” Buck heaves out while picking up Christopher and swinging him from his couch to his arms, a grin on his face. He looks upwards, spots Eddie making down his bed for Christopher to sleep comfortably in tonight and Buck feels his heart rate pick-up at how domestic everything seems before he makes his way to the staircase that will lead them up to the second level of his apartment. Briefly, Buck thinks about the bookmarks of homes he has saved on his computer that are bungalows, which means easier for Christopher to be in, before he begins climbing up the steps with Chris in his arms, the little man giggling softly as he looks over Buck’s shoulder.

“Will you and Dad read me a story again?” Christopher asks and Buck can’t help but chuckle lightly, humming in response as he finishes the climb up the stairs and looks towards his best friend with a grin.

“What d’ya think, Eds - should we read Chris a story tonight like we did the other night?” Buck can’t help but tease, his fingers moving towards Christopher’s sides and tickling, thriving off the laughs he hears coming from Eddie  _ and _ Christopher, a grin forming on his face. He feels like this is where he’s meant to be, what he’s supposed to be doing and while the thought would have scared him earlier, Buck has, if anything, grown to accept just how much he loves Eddie and Christopher.

“You know, I think Christopher  _ definitely _ deserves a bedtime story,” Eddie responds, and Buck ignores the way his heart flutters at the grin his best friend has on his face, choosing to, instead, bring the blankets up from his bed to tuck Chris in, fingers tickling him a few times just so he can hear the boy’s laughter.

The next little while is something Buck has grown used to over the past few weeks - tucking Christopher in, choosing a story and teasing one another before Eddie and he finally settled down on either side of the little boy and begin reading whichever story Christopher has chosen before eventually, Christopher falls asleep and the two slowly and silently make their way out of the large bed and down the stairs.

With Christopher asleep, both men silently clean up the remnants of their dinner and beers, not really talking but not uncomfortable with the silence, either. Tonight though - tonight seems a little different, Eddie opening and closing his mouth a few times before he lets out a breath of  _ something _ and Buck has no idea what’s going through his best friend’s mind, though he wishes he did know, because not knowing has never ended well for either of them, if he’s being honest.

“Eddie?” Buck eventually finds himself asking, a small frown on his face as he finishes cleaning the island in his kitchen, not sure what’s going on and curious, especially when Eddie turns towards him with his own frown and ---

“Everything alright?” Buck asks, biting the bottom of his lip as he shifts his body, shoulders straightening in remembrance of how he used to feel when his father would question him, something he’s not the biggest fan of currently, since Eddie never reminds him of his father.

“Uh, we should talk.” Eddie begins and Buck can feel his face falling along with his heart, but before he can place much thought into it, Eddie continues, “Not about anything bad, Buck, just - we need some beers, and I want to talk to you about a few things that I haven’t been able to get out of my mind.”

“Is everything okay?” Buck can’t help but ask, his heart pounding inside his chest while Eddie smiles at him and nods.

“Of course it is, Buck. I just need to clear up a few things,” Eddie states, his hand going to Buck’s shoulder and squeezing before he turns around and heads to the couch, moving the cushions towards the floor, another part of their nightly routine whenever Eddie and Chris spend the night.

“Just don’t forget the last beers for the night,” Eddie teases and Buck can’t help but let out a small chuckle, grabbing two beers before setting them down on the coffee table and helping Eddie remove the cushions from his couch and then pull out the bed, both placing it gently onto the floor, remaining quiet for a few minutes to make sure the thump didn’t wake Christopher up. When the two finally make sure they’re clear, they continue the ritual of placing the cushions at the back of the bed before grabbing the pillows and blankets and setting them up.

It’s a few minutes later that Buck finds himself flopping on the right side of the bed, closer to the island in the kitchen since he’s always waking up in the middle of the night due to nightmares or having to use the washroom more than Eddie does. Eddie makes his way into the empty spot of the bed, a small groan escaping from him since he’s still healing from his last fight, something Buck doesn’t like to think about for one second, before he grabs the beers and hands one to Buck.

It’s only his second, and his last, since he’s still on blood thinners, and he can’t help but snort when he looks over to see Eddie watching him carefully, trying not to roll his eyes at the reaction of his friend, especially when he arches his right eyebrow.

“If anyone should be worried about drinking, it’s me with you,” he teases, while Eddie shakes his head and tries not to laugh. The laugh isn’t one that Buck normally sees from Eddie and he still can’t help but wonder what’s going through his best friend’s mind.

“So…” he begins before trailing off, turning towards his side so he can look at Eddie straight on, trying not to blush when Eddie looks back at him. They continue staring at one another for a few minutes, Buck’s cheeks becoming more and more red as Eddie chuckles and shifts closer to Buck. The two have been like this for too long, even before the tsunami and the lawsuit happened, and Buck wonders when they’re going to move to the next step, wonders who will make the first move and when it will happen.

“What’s on your mind, Eds?” Buck eventually asks, voice barely a whisper as the television lights the two of them up. There’s something soft about the two of them sharing the couch bed, only the light from the television allowing them to see. Buck’s thought about it often, every time it’s happened, which has been more times than one would think since the duo had talked everything out, and each night they’ve shared the bed, Buck hasn’t been able to stop himself from wondering --

A lot.

“There’s a few things on my mind, admittedly. I don’t know where to begin, or how to begin or even what to begin with,” Eddie responds after looking at Buck silently for a few minutes, his hand inching forward to Buck’s before taking his hand and interlacing their fingers together. Buck swears his heart is about to pound out of his chest and that Eddie can hear it from where he lies, but he doesn’t do anything, looking back at Eddie with a small look of unsurety. 

“What would be easier to talk about?” Buck asks and he can’t help but end up tilting his head in surprise when Eddie snorts a laugh, shaking his head briefly. 

“There’s nothing that’s going to be easy to talk about, man,” Eddie whispers and Buck pauses for a moment, squeezing Eddie’s hand in comfort before moving closer to the other man, gently nudging Eddie’s legs with his own.

“Okay, well, whatever it is, you know I’m here, right?” Buck asks, smiling when Eddie nods, his own smile on his face.

“I know. And I know you definitely don’t need to keep reminding me. We all make mistakes, Buck. I’ve accepted your apology, and I just… don’t understand why you keep talking like I  _ haven’t _ forgiven you. Or like you’re expecting me to punch you out for everything,” Eddie whispers and Buck bites his lower lip, not sure how he’s supposed to explain to Eddie that yeah, he  _ is _ waiting for Eddie to knock him one for having his head so far up his --

“Buck,” Eddie whispers and Buck blinks, letting himself focus on Eddie with a frown, trying not to shift uncomfortably, “Are you waiting for me to knock you out or something?” Eddie asks, his eyes wide and Buck realizes that Eddie can read him so well, that he didn’t even need to answer.

“Why?” Eddie asks and Buck lets out a soft breath, not sure what he could possibly say. Could he tell Eddie it’s because that’s how his father usually resolved issues in their family? Or because he thought that maybe if Eddie was able to punch him, Eddie wouldn’t feel angry at him anymore, wouldn’t feel angry in general, but Buck --

Buck knew that that probably wasn’t healthy, knew that his father had messed up a lot of things for him and that he needed to get over his past, which was what his therapy was about.

“Buck,” Eddie whispers and Buck lets out a small smile towards his -- Eddie, shifting a little. 

“You know I would never hurt you, right?” Eddie asks and Buck looks up at Eddie through his lashes, nodding his head while biting the inside of his cheek. 

“Yeah, I know. I have no doubts or fears about that, man,” Buck whispers, eyes closing and breathing deeply when Eddie runs his fingers through Buck’s hair, and Buck -- Buck wonders how long they’re going to be tiptoeing the line of this border of something more than friendship between them.

“But?” Eddie asks and Buck lets out a small breath, moving a little before looking at Eddie and then nodding to himself.

“Growing up, it’s how my Dad solved problems in our family. A slap here, a punch, a kick every now and then -- and then we would apologize, because he had no more anger in him.” Buck whispers and he can feel Eddie tense next to him and hates how his past is causing this, but he knows he needs to continue, “So I guess, even though I haven’t been around my father in who knows how long, part of me still very much expects that, in order to be forgiven, I need to be beat up first,” Buck admits with a small shrug and he finds himself looking towards Eddie with hooded eyes, not sure how his best friend would take something like his past.

“Buck,” Eddie whispers, moving impossibly closer to him, arms wrapping around his body. Buck’s heart begins pounding faster and harder inside his chest, and he’s positive it’s about to beat outside of it, and he can’t help but wonder how Eddie hasn’t noticed it. Or maybe Eddie has, and he’s just being a good friend and not mentioning it -- Buck doesn’t know, and he finds he doesn’t want to know, either.

“Eddie,” Buck can’t help but respond back with a small smirk playing on his face, unable to stop himself from grinning when Eddie huffs out a laugh. He can’t help but feel comfortable in Eddie’s arms, like this is where he’s meant to be, and he knows Eddie feels the same way but isn’t ready yet, and Buck -- Buck’s alright with that, even if it kills him.

“I wouldn’t ever hurt you. Not out of anger, or anything else, Buck. I know you know that, but I need you to understand it, alright?” Eddie whispers, his eyes not straying away from Buck’s and Buck’s breath catches as he nods, eyes widening before he takes a small gulp, hands sweating as he tries not to let his nervousness show, though it’s Eddie, and by the soft smirk on his face, he already knows.

“I’ve forgiven you, Buck. I don’t need to punch you to forgive you. I’ll never need to hurt you to forgive you, I just need you around to be able to talk to you, alright?” Eddie whispers and Buck nods, biting his lower lip, not sure what else could be said as Eddie moves his one hand to stroke Buck’s cheek. Buck can’t help but close his eyes and let out a soft breath, “Eddie,” he whispers, opening his eyes while Eddie smiles at him.

“What are we doing?’ Buck questions and Eddie shakes his head, tangling their legs together.

“We’ll talk about that after, alright? I still need to talk to you about one thing, and this is the more important thing, I think,” Eddie whispers and even though Buck has no idea what Eddie is talking about, he can only nod his head in acknowledgement and response, trying not to bite the inside of his cheek.

“What else is there to talk about?” Buck questions, shifting only a little as his own hands move to wrap around Eddie’s hips, bringing him closer while avoiding the way Eddie’s hands press on his chest.

“Earlier today, when I asked you if you had really slept with your therapist--” Eddie begins and Buck finds his heart plummeting into his stomach. He doesn’t want to talk about this, never wants to talk about the time he slept with someone who was supposed to help him. It’s why he had distracted the team by mentioning Eddie’s own  _ phase _ , and he had thought all day that he had gotten away with it.

But now, Eddie was bringing it back up and Buck just wanted to curl up and hide in the blanket they were under.

“And I thought that you had slept with her because that’s what Buck 1.0 did,” Eddie says, and Buck looks up, furrowing his brow as he wonders where Eddie is going with this.

“But then Bobby pulled me aside, and Buck, I swear, if I had known for one second that--” Eddie stops here, placing his forehead against Buck’s and just  _ breathing _ and Buck… Buck doesn’t know what to do about that. His heart is still pounding inside his chest and all he can think about is how gross he felt when he realized what had happened, what the therapist had done. He wants to get up and shower, wants to scrub himself clean, and he’s pretty sure he even tries to move away from Eddie, but the older man’s grip tightens on him and he  _ can’t _ , and he’s pretty sure his heart rate is rising even more and his vision has become blurry, but he can feel hands on his cheeks, and then his neck, and eventually, he can see Eddie. Eddie, who looks worried, biting his bottom lip with wide eyes and all Buck really wants to do is lean forward and kiss him, but he stops himself, pulling away a little and sucking back a deep breath before letting it go.

“What did Bobby say?” Buck can’t help but ask, eyes wide as he takes Eddie in, sees how Eddie is watching him carefully. He knows he’s not going to handle things well, but Eddie’s holding hm and right now, that’s all that matters. Buck shifts in position, playing with his fingers a little while looking down, insecure and unsure. 

“Hey,” Eddie whispers, using his one hand to tilt Buck’s chin up, looking at Buck carefully with a small frown on his face.

“He told me that what had happened between you and the therapist was something not to be joked about, that if I wanted to know more, I should ask you, but that what had happened was enough for the therapist to get fired.” Eddie begins with a frown, moving forward and tangling their legs together once more, with Buck blinking in surprise, wondering when their legs separated.

“But it wasn’t too hard to put the pieces together, man,” Eddie finishes and Buck frowns, taking another deep breath before releasing it and looking at Eddie, his head tilted.

“I--” Buck whispers, closing his eyes briefly before opening them and looking at everything  _ but _ Eddie. He feels -- he feels dirty, like he did the night he finally let everything settle inside of him, when he realized just what had happened. 

“Buck, hey,” Eddie whispers, bringing Buck out of his thoughts as he looks at Eddie and bites his lower lip, realizing he’s doing that a lot tonight.

“You’re not at fault, alright? She  _ used _ you, Buck. The moment she friended you on social media, she shouldn’t have picked you up as a client. What she did was  _ wrong _ and illegal, in so many different ways.” Eddie whispers and Buck looks away, unable to stop himself from shaking his head and closing his eyes once more before opening them and leaning forward, resting his forehead against Eddie’s.

“Logically, I know that. I  _ do _ .” Buck whispers, eyes watering as he remembers just how disgusting he felt for that period of time, how he vowed to stay away from women after a little while, only to wonder if he was worth anything if he wasn’t having sex. He doesn’t know how to finish his thought though, doesn’t know what else he could say, because right now, while he does know that what Eddie says is true, he still doesn’t always feel like it is.

“But something inside of you feels like it’s not true?” Eddie whispers with an arch of his eyebrow while Buck nods, arms moving so they’re wrapped around Eddie again, Eddie’s own arms wrapped around Buck with his one hand stroking Buck’s back, trying to calm him down, though Buck would tell you he didn’t need to be calmed down at this moment.

(He did. He just didn’t realize it at this moment).

“Well, no matter how long that takes, Buck, I’m going to be there to remind you that it’s not true. You didn’t deserve what happened, it wasn’t your fault and it’s okay to feel how you do,” Eddie whispers and Buck --

Buck feels lost, not because he can’t accept the words, but because he appreciates them so much, especially since it’s Eddie that’s saying them. And he doesn’t know how that makes him feel, and how should he? Especially since it’s  _ Eddie _ that’s saying them - the man he’s been in love with for who knows how long, the man he considers his best friend, the man that --

“Evan,” Eddie whispers and Buck blinks back into focus, trying not to appear too surprised that Eddie called him by his name and not his nickname.

“Yeah?” Buck ends up whispering, eyes trailing towards Eddie’s lips when he realizes the older man is biting on his bottom lip gently. Buck feels like he can’t handle this, and he feels himself turning red when he lets out a small groan of frustration. He ignores the smirk on Eddie’s lips, ignores the feeling of wanting to kiss the smirk away before he looks at Eddie and waits, arching one of his eyebrows. 

“I’m serious, alright? I need you to know that, and I need you to understand that. I’m never going to hurt you, physically, and what happened with that therapist? It was  _ her _ fault, not yours. She abused her power against you, and that’s not okay -- it’s  _ never _ okay. And I’ll remind you of that every second of every minute of every day if you’ll let me,” Eddie whispers and Buck sucks back a surprised breath, eyes widening as he looks at the older man carefully. 

“Eddie,” Buck begins, eyes softening as he looks at the other man and moves forward, placing his head under Eddie’s chin and breathing as slow and deeply as he can. He can feel his heart calming, his heartbeat slowing down and eventually, he pulls away from Eddie, but not very far, looking at Eddie and then at his lips before letting out a small huff of breath.

“Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, and I can’t help but wonder what it is I’m good for. When I went to therapy for the first time, I wanted to be able to solve those questions about myself. I wanted to be able to get the help I needed for the numerous issues I had, including how my self-worth was wrapped up in how much sex I was having,” Buck begins, clucking his tongue a few times as he tries to think of the words to explain everything he was feeling.

“After I stopped having sex, a lot of my self worth went into me being a fire-fighter. At how good I was at saving people. And then --” Buck stops, shrugging, knowing that at this point in time, explaining everything is moot because Eddie and he have already talked about how Buck is all wrapped up in his job as a fire-fighter. 

“Buck - you’re more than just a fire-fighter, you know that, right?” Eddie chuckles, leaning forward and kissing Buck’s forehead, Buck letting out a gasp as electricity flows through his body from his forehead.

“You’re intelligent, man. More intelligent than anyone has ever given you credit for, Buck. I’ve seen the graduate certificates, Buck, I know just how smart you are,” Eddie says quickly, smirking, before Buck can get a word in edgewise, his cheeks turning red. He’s not ashamed about how he’s a college graduate, or how many certificates he graduated with, or what he knows, but it’s something he keeps quiet because he’s not one to boast - not about this, anyways.

“You love saving people, and I love that about you, but if something truly stopped you from being a fire-fighter again, we both know you would be able to find something else that would fill the void that fighting gives you,” Eddie whispers. Buck ignores the way his heart flutters at Eddie saying he loves him - or, you know, whatever - and instead, takes another deep breath and releases.

“It wouldn’t be easy, we both know that. But you would have me and everyone else willing to help you, Evan,” Eddie finishes, fingers caressing Buck’s cheeks while Buck finds himself smiling at the other man.

“Would you really be willing to spend every single second of every single minute of every single day, reminding me?” Buck whispers with a small smile, unable to look away from Eddie but curious about the man’s answer.

The two of them have been circling one another for far too long and Buck - Buck really hopes this is the end of all of that circling. He doesn’t  _ want _ to circle around with Eddie anymore. He wants to be able to spend time in bed with the other man like they are tonight, no worries going through them. He wants to be able to kiss Eddie, tell everyone how much he loves the other man and his son - wants to call Christopher his own. He’s wanted to do that for so long now, he doesn’t know how he hasn’t already combusted from not being able to do so, especially after everything happened with the tsunami.

“Buck, you have  _ no _ idea just how much I’m willing to do that,” Eddie whispers and Buck can’t stop himself, not anymore. With a surge of confidence, he leans forward, placing his lips on Eddie’s and not doing anything for a couple of seconds that feels like a damn  _ millenium _ . But then he feels Eddie’s lips moving under his own and it’s like something just clicked in his brain - he opens his mouth against Eddie’s, allows his hands to move around the man’s body, pulling him in closer so they’re practically touching one another completely. He finds himself getting lost in the passion between the two of them, a moan slipping free as he feels Eddie hardening against him, and he breaks away panting, a small grin on his face as he closes his eyes and rests against Eddie’s forehead.

“You okay?” Eddie asks and Buck nods, still grinning.

“Can we sleep? As much as I would  _ love _ to continue this--” Buck begins, opening his eyes and showing Eddie the vulnerability he can’t exactly say. He sees Eddie soften, sees him nod his head before Eddie leans forward and kisses the tip of his nose.

“Of course, man. We’ll talk tomorrow. Tonight, we sleep,” Eddie whispers and Buck grins, burrowing into Eddie’s arms, letting sleep overtake him completely. He doesn’t know what the next morning will bring him but he does know, that as long as Eddie is with him, Buck has no problems facing the day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I hope you guys enjoyed this episode coda. It's unedited, so any spelling errors and grammar mistakes are all mine. If I missed any trigger warnings, please tell me so I can edit this and add them - though, I don't think I did? Then again, it's one in the morning, so it's possible. Anyways, come yell at me on my tumblr @ [smartbuckley](https://smartbuckley.tumblr.com). Comments and concrit is appreciated and loved. ♥


End file.
